Prime Time

POSTED: Sunday, Nov. 09, 2008

COVER STORY: Finding romance late in life

Widowed three times, the last thing 79-year-old Myrtle Martin expected was another romance.

But then Albert P. Martin spotted her smile.

"I just sat down beside her, and that was it for me," says Albert, 80, who had also been married three times.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," says Myrtle, the mother of seven daughters and one son.

The couple met in February 2007 at the Lynden Community Center and were married in October. In the ensuing year, five other couples who met at the center have tied the knot.

Still, Mary Chenoweth, who has a degree in social work and is the center's program activity director, stresses that friendship and fellowship, not romance, is the main mission of the community center.

"I don't want to give anyone the idea we're a dating service," she says with a grin. "Our big goal is for this to be a safe environment for friendships. But it is fun to watch (romance) when it happens."

HUMOR IS IMPORTANT

Romance often can bloom at places like senior centers, churches, tour buses, hiking and fitness groups and anywhere seniors give themselves a chance to meet, including the Northwest Singles Club (see separate story).

The key, Chenoweth says, is getting out of the house. Seniors don't have guaranteed spots for socializing, the way high school and college students do, so she says seniors have to make extra efforts.

"That's what happened for me. I certainly didn't plan on meeting anyone like Albert," Myrtle Martin says of falling in love and remarrying. "I didn't think anyone would have me."

The Lynden resident points out how important humor is in any relationship, whether friend or spouse. She recalls giggling like a schoolgirl when Albert asked her only a few days after meeting her, "Are you in love with me yet?"

"She said she was working on it," he says.

'A WAY TO CONNECT'

Chenoweth, who has served the Lynden Community Center since 2001, says places like senior centers play a vital role in the lives of older people, whether or not they find romance.

"Socializing is very important," she says. "It's a way of avoiding depression and moving on, a way to connect with other seniors who have similar experiences."

Chenoweth says it's important for the children of seniors to realize how important some kind of social outlet can be for their parents.

"I really wish the adult children of the seniors who come here would realize how important this place is for the overall health of their mothers and fathers," she says. "Adult children are not always informed about the services we offer, the meal programs and the wide variety of activities."

'WE DIDN'T WASTE TIME'

Some aspects of late-in-life love can differ from earlier experiences. For example, senior relationships may develop rapidly, as seniors more easily put aside objections to quickly developing relationships. For example, the Martins say they didn't hesitate to marry only eight months after they met.

"We didn't want to waste time," Albert says. "We don't know how much time we have left."

Also, seniors may look beyond the romantic notions young people entertain.

Sylvia Thorpe, a Bellingham clinical psychologist with 35 years' experience, frequently works with seniors who aren't looking for romance yet fear being isolated.

"Most people want a partner; many people don't want to grow old alone," she says. "But that doesn't necessarily mean marriage in old age. Many seniors say, 'I just want a friend.' Sex sometimes isn't a part of that."

Unlike young people, Thorpe says, many seniors have long-held, firm opinions about issues of family, faith, finances and diet and know up front what they are comfortable with in a relationship.

"When you get older, you know what flies for you and what doesn't, and that can complicate things," she says.

On the other hand, health issues that might discourage young people from dating don't faze many seniors.

"Seniors say, 'That's just something we'll deal with,'" Thorpe says. "Seniors are often more flexible and adaptable, more open-minded about health issues and physical limitations than young people."

Still, many seniors, she says, feel strongly about issues of faith and often seek out others who do, too, in any relationship ranging from casual dating to romance.

Gender may also be a factor in whether a late-in-life love develops. Thorpe points out that in her experience, "older men often re-marry more quickly than older women do. Women tend to have more close friends than men, so many women are comfortable" without late-life remarriage.

FINANCIAL REALITIES

As in any relationship, money matters may be an issue.

Ed Swanson, 82, and Kay Moland, 78, are a committed couple who met last November as Lynden Manor residents.

"I had been alone for 30 years and I wasn't looking for anything," recalls Moland. "It was a rather unusual thing for me. But (romance) just sort of happened."

While love blossomed, they find that financial realities are a cruel barrier to marriage. Moland has been widowed and divorced; Swanson is twice a widower.

"I'm on long-term care insurance here, which pays for my rent," says Moland, explaining that she would lose her insurance benefits if she remarried.

Seniors often face complicated decisions involving Social Security and pension benefits - so complicated, in fact, that it often takes professional help to be sure of the right choices.

FAMILY OBJECTIONS

Christina Moran of Maple Falls, director of nursing at Lynden Manor, says finances are often far from the top consideration when it comes to obstacles to senior romance.

She says adult children often have a significant emotional problem dealing with late-life romances of their parents.

"There are often so many family objections," she says. "It's the biggest concern for some people.

"Families need to stand back and realize that in their parents' later years, why shouldn't they be afforded happiness in a relationship?"

During her long career in nursing, in fact, Moran says she has seen grown children try to break up their elderly parents' romances.

"It's understandable, because for them, the other person is just not Mom or Dad," she says. "But people forget that just because people get elderly, it doesn't mean they stop being sexual beings as well as social beings. As long as you have willing partners, consenting and mentally capable, it can be wonderful, and grown children need to accept that."

"At other facilities where I've worked, I've seen family members pull their parents out of the facility when they got involved with someone," she says.

FITNESS FUN

There are many benefits to late-in-life relationships and different ways to foster them. Bellingham's Tammy Bennett, the healthy lifestyles director of the Whatcom Family YMCA, says fitness programs are a wonderful way for seniors to connect.

Bennett says SilverSneakers, a Group Health Healthways program for senior runners and walkers, is an excellent group where seniors can both improve fitness and make new friends. More than 500 people are on the mailing list and more than 100 participate on a regular basis, she says.

"We have about an equal number of men and women in SilverSneakers," she says. "It really runs the economic gamut. Typically, when we give interested seniors a tour of the YMCA, it's unusual for them not to see someone they already know."

Romance occasionally develops, though that is not a goal of the YMCA programs.

"My favorite couples story is about how one of our members, a man who was celebrating his 90th birthday, came to class with his girlfriend, then explained how they would have to leave early so they could attend a dance at the Ferndale Senior Center."

Bennett also recalls "one gal who was really a fireball for night life, and her fellow told me that she was wilting him. He told me he had to find someone who was a little more daytime-oriented."

'I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM'

Common experience can open up seniors to unusual romantic circumstances.

Marianne and Ed Alderson of Lynden, who became acquainted at the Lynden Community Center, had actually known each other as children. After both saw their parents go through a divorce, each had a parent who married the other.

"I was 17 years old and out on my own and Marianne was a little girl," says Ed, 84, who was a widower following 50 years of marriage when he found Marianne again.

"I had been married three times when I met Ed again," Marianne, 77, says. "I didn't recognize him after so many years apart, but my friend Virginia Hanley knew both of us. She re-introduced us. But I just said, 'Hi' and kept right on going!

They went on a most unusual first date: they sought out their parents' old home on Mill Street in Bellingham. "We just drove around and looked at the old neighborhood, making discoveries," she says. They spent their recent honeymoon in a much more exotic locale: the entertainment center of Branson, Mo.

They also learned to enjoy each other's company at home. "We went out to eat a lot, and then Ed would come to my home to watch TV," she says.

Kay Moland doesn't have any trouble describing the joys of finding love again: "Ed's just so kind and thoughtful. I just feel comfortable, relaxed and safe."

Myrtle Martin especially appreciates Albert's kind, gentle side.

"I had a pretty bad marriage before this, so he really was pretty sweet (to meet)," she says.

"Just being around Myrtle is like a different world to me," says Albert Martin of his wife. "I get pretty emotional about it."

Michelle Nolan is a Bellingham freelance writer.